where was I?

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illustration of my thoughts in His stillness

It's 2025,

it's been a heck of a year with a lot of challenges, emotional and spiritual as well as health-related. Something that really stands out this season is that the seeds we sow in our still season sprout in chaos indeed. A season of a lot of shaping with unnecessary poking. After really running around for the past 5 months, I had a quiet moment with the Lord where my mind was so much more chaotic than the outside. Have you ever felt that, THAT you don't recognize that your inside is more chaotic until you enter into His silence? We've all been there. On top of that, you feel you might have to start over again!

It also felt like I was drowning in the guilt of not spending enough time with God and feeling I'm not being a good servant. Having these thoughts only provoked my heart into incompetence or a feeling of failure. I also felt the word of God was leaving my heart, almost like sand slipping through my fingers. In the midst of moving and unpacking, I found myself on the floor of my closet, crying, sobbing for a touch of heaven, almost asking for more, more, maybe something out of the box, supernatural or anything, I guess. But I was awe-struck by the grace I felt afterward, knowing that's where everything started in the first place. He gave me a safe place to let my heart just pour unto Him. When I was growing up, I was shunned if I cried. Knowing I was not a very emotional child, I never cried for no reason, but my emotions always burst out when I was dismissed or was in the middle of an argument. My heart burst, but I had to hold back my tears. That's how I became a shell of a person because I was only able to cry when I went to bed at night and in darkness, muffling my mouth so nobody would hear. But now, when I felt my heart was bursting, I ran to the one who hears. In that moment, I knew I was where I was supposed to be weak, vulnerable, humble, and LOVED.

If you are in season of business and feels it's hard for you to have 30 min with Jesus you be surprised to know that you have no report card saved with the Lord at the end of the day, there is no bad year or good year, there is no good 30 minutes or bad 30 minutes. it's just His Love and that He can meet you where you are.

¹³ I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who ^[g]infuses inner strength into me; I am ^[h]self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].

Philippians 4 : 13